A few weeks
ago, the MS Society asked me to write a blog for their website about MS and
Mother's Day. I found it incredibly hard to work out what was required of me,
and my first attempt didn't quite hit their brief. It focussed more on what a
f*cking minefield of an occasion this can be, both for those without a
traditional version of a mum in their life, and those struggling with
motherhood themselves. I redid my post for the MS society (you can read that
here: https://www.mssociety.org.uk/care-and-support/online-community/community-blog/what-mothering-sunday-means-me ), and thought I would share the original post here.
In Praise of… Mother’s
Day
Happy Mother’s Day, one and all! I pray you grew up
feeling loved, nurtured, and cheered on, no matter what life threw at you. If
that came from a traditional mother figure, then great – Mother’s Day is pretty
easy to navigate! But that’s not everyone, is it?
‘To mother’
For those missing that mother-figure, perhaps the
definition of the action, ‘to mother’ may prove enlightening. ‘To mother’ is to
bring up, to care for, to look after kindly, and affectionately, to protect. Maybe
that role was filled by your father, a grandparent, aunt or uncle, a teacher,
neighbour, even a boss. Were they your mother? No, they did that job just as
well as they could. Card companies are doing better with their choice of
greetings cards now. I had a quick look online, and saw Mother’s Day cards to
female figures, like-a-mothers, and dads, so the realisation not everyone has
that typical mother is getting better. So far, so good. If you have anyone like
this that helped raise and guide you, don’t be embarrassed to send them a card
for Mother’s Day. Can’t find a card you like? Buy or make a beautiful blank
card, and thank them for the role they played in making you you.
Giving thanks
If your mother, or the mother of a loved one, has
passed away, then something as simple as taking some quiet time to remember
them, and giving thanks for all the good things they did is never time wasted.
Is there a special place you can visit to reconnect with them? Again, it’s never
a wasted trip if it brings you peace and happiness. We all have someone, all
of us. Worst case scenario, give thanks to Mother Earth! The air we breathe,
the light playing against the wall, the sound of birds chirping, the soft fur
of a pet; all act to remind us of the beauty in life, no matter our own
challenges and limitations.
What of being a mother?
Being a mother isn’t for everyone. If you have made a
decision to be perfectly happy childless, then I truly applaud you. Happiness
and contentment should never be sacrificed in order to try and please others,
particularly when it comes to parenthood. Wonderful as being a mother is, it’s
also scary, exhausting, confusing, isolating; the hardest unpaid job in history.
But it’s a gift, and Mother’s Day can be absolute agony for those trying
desperately to have a child, or those who have tragically lost one. Nothing
brings more agony than seeing people celebrated by their children when
parenthood is eluding you, or has been taken from you. The eleven years it took
me to have my daughter, my wonderful husband always bought me a Mother’s Day
card from our cats (many shops sell cards from the pets), and made me breakfast
in bed (tea, biscuits, and the Sunday papers) so I didn’t feel left out. Still,
Mother’s Day was always incredibly hard. For those mourning a child, well, I simply
cannot imagine how hard it must be.
Helping those who are hurting
The very worst thing you can say to someone is nothing
at all. We have surely all experienced this with our health? People skirting
around the subject, acting weird, even disappearing from our lives rather than
face us. Not being sure what to say and avoiding the subject is always far
worse than potentially putting your foot in it, and saying the wrong thing. If
you know someone will be struggling around Mother’s Day, be a good friend, be
brave, and let them know how much they mean to you. A beautiful verse, even a
kind text, telling them they are loved, and you are there for them can make all
the difference in the world. Remember their lost child, share memories with
them, let them talk, or cry, or just be with them in a comfortable silence. Be
the tower of strength and love for them that you hope they would be for you.
What of the ‘big day’?
My lovely daughter went through a phase of persuading
her dad to let her chose my Mother’s Day present herself. A fine idea, I hear
you cry! Well, one year my present was a very expensive rose-patterned silk
dress – for her. Another year it was a Minions art set – which she insisted was
kept in her room at all times. But the thought was there, I’m sure! My
favourite present was a tiny scrap of writing paper on which she wrote ‘I luv
yoo mum x’. I keep it safe (so safe, in fact, that I cannot remember where it
is) as to me it is priceless. I hate surprises, booking meals out always seems
to coincide with my fatigue being though the roof, or a bout of vertigo, and
Mother’s Day bouquets are always overpriced and half-dead. No, a kind word, and
tea and biscuits in bed (with the Sunday papers) are all that I desire – other than
hoping that all of you have a happy Mother’s Day, too, in whichever way is
right for you x
